Last Updated on July 29, 2026 by Staff
People always compare themselves to others, their romantic partners. We compare how we look, how smart we are, how successful we are or how attractive we are. This is called comparing our mate value. It is when we think about how desirable we’re compared to our partner.
For a time researchers have known that these comparisons can affect how happy we are in our relationships. Feeling like we are not as good as our partner can affect how much we trust them and how jealous we are. How secure we feel.
A new study in Evolution and Human Behaviour looked at whether this is also true for people in consensually non-monogamous relationships. These are relationships where partners agree to have relationships with people.
The researchers found that people in all kinds of relationships can feel insecure. But some things can be different depending on the kind of relationship we’re in.
Common Pattern
One thing the researchers found was that feeling less desirable than our partner can cause problems in any kind of relationship.
People who think they are less attractive or valuable than their partner said they:
- Fight often.
- Feel more insecure.
- Get more jealous of other people.
- Worry more about losing their partner.
This happens in both monogamous and consensually -monogamous relationships.
Though people in consensually non-monogamous relationships said they were less jealous. They still felt bad when they thought they were less desirable than their partner.
The study says that feeling bad about ourselves is a problem in relationships no matter what kind of relationship we are in.
Unexpected Twist
The researchers found something surprising when they looked at secondary partners in consensually non-monogamous relationships.
When people thought they were more desirable than their partner they had: More conflict or jealousy.
This was surprising because it is the opposite of what happens in relationships.
The study also looked at how people rank their partners. When people thought one partner was more important than another they got more jealous. I tried harder to keep that partner.
This means that the kind of relationship we are in does not automatically make our problems go away. How we think about our partners and ourselves is what matters.
Better Communication
One good thing the researchers found was that communication is very important. People who talk openly about topics like attraction, insecurity and jealousy have healthier relationships. In non-monogamous relationships another good thing is compression. This is when we are happy for our partner when they are happy with someone
When people communicate openly and feel compersion they have:
- Less jealousy.
- Fewer fights.
- rivalry.
- More emotional stability.
The researchers say that non-monogamy does not automatically make jealousy or insecurity go away.
When we communicate openly and honestly we can have stronger and healthier relationships.
Overall the study says that comparing ourselves to our partners can affect how happy we are in our relationships. When we build trust, talk about our insecurities and communicate openly we can have relationships no matter what kind of relationship we are in.